Case 2: Anya from Germany
Late one afternoon I had a phone call from one of my host moms. She was very angry at her au pair, Anya. “I took the day off from work, took Anya and the kids (ages 3,5,6) for a walk on the beach. Anya was off frolicking in the surf and left me to handle the three kids on my own! What doesn’t she understand about the word, ‘work?’ “ I asked the host mom if she had asked Anya for help and her reply was, “I shouldn’t have to ask; she should know! She was just being lazy!”
There were numerous issues to tackle here: one, neither party is allowed to say, “she should know.” How can we know unless we’re told? So, rule one, make your expectations clear and talk to the other person! Sounds simple, right? You’d be surprised by how many people don’t communicate effectively.
Of course, Anya called me 5 minutes later to say that her host mom was giving her the “cold shoulder” and wouldn’t speak to her. ”She’s rude,” “I can’t stay here,” “rematch!”
This brings up another important point: no one is allowed to give the cold shoulder and isolate-does nothing for improving communication.
When I mentioned the host mother’s annoyance to Anya, her reply made so much sense (from her point-of-view). “She (the host mom) is always working. I thought that because she was with the kids, she’d want to be alone with them and not have me intrude. I wanted to give her privacy with the kids.” Just like with Melanie in Case 1, Anya’s behavior was meant to respect boundaries and rules for privacy.
What’s important is that we, as counselors, take the time to figure out what is impacting the match. Is it cultural differences, is it personality, is it a bit of both? We explore, we share, and we help both parties see more than one point-of-view. In this case, both parties needed to describe behavior without drawing conclusions: “walking alone,” is not the same as “lazy.” “Not speaking to me” is not the same as “rude,” and is certainly no reason for immediate rematch.
How many times must we say communication is the key to a successful match? I suppose we have to say it over and over until it’s become second nature to all.