Case 1: Melanie from UK
Melanie, an au pair from the UK cared for two young boys while her host parents were at work outside the home. Melanie provided excellent childcare and there was never a question about her competency. One day, Catherine, the host mom, came home unexpectedly in the late morning. By 12:30 I had a call from her: “Melanie hasn’t given the kids lunch, they’re crying, and I’m beginning to wonder what goes on here when I’m not home.” I asked to speak with Melanie who replied, “Catherine is home. I’d never dream of going into another woman’s kitchen without being asked!”
This was an eye-opener for me and the host mom! While the host parents were at work, Melanie understood her role, took control with the children, and got the job done! However, as soon as the host mom stepped into the picture, Melanie’s behavior changed according to the dictates of her value system.. In general, the British are more structured, more formal than Americans. Melanie saw a boundary that was not to be overstepped. To her, her behavior showed respect for Catherine; to Catherine, Melanie’s behavior looked “lazy” and “incompetent.”
While it’s important to understand that not all clashes between people from different countries are related to cultural differences, there are many opportunities in the host family/au pair relationship for cultural differences to interfere with the well-being of the match. The answer here as with any culture clash is to talk, talk, talk. Rather than drawing the conclusion that Melanie was “lazy” and “incompetent,” it would have been preferable for the host mom to sit down with Melanie, tell her that she didn’t understand why Melanie hadn’t given the kids lunch, and open the door for a conversation. In other words, describe behavior instead of jumping to conclusions! A lot of hard feelings could have been avoided.